Some of the nightmares I might have, in random order:
- Finding myself enrolled in a differential calculus class the day before the final exam. Having to take the said final without learning a thing. And the grade counts toward my GPA. (Yes, this was an actual dream I had.)
- My two favorite cousins hating each other. And then hating me.
- Being chased by a stalker.
- Boyfriend thinking my food is nasty. (This is okay; in real life you just dump that loser.)
- Standing in international court for a political crime I did not commit (it was a conspiracy). Having to defend myself in- oh, I don't know- Swahili, Cantonese, or Dutch.
And....
- Finding myself back in high school.
High School.
I don't understand people who say high school was the best time of their lives.
I mean- really? They are the years of awkwardness aplenty (NOT the cute kind), pimples, standardized tests, waking up at 5:30 AM, not knowing how to dress yourself, how to BE yourself. It's the place where people know how to spell
Abercrombie but not
apropos.
Maybe it really was a great time. Maybe if you were popular or led your basketball team to State or were prom queen or a national anything champion, then I might understand. Maybe if you had the good fortune not to experience poverty, bullying, or a harrowing heartbreak. Maybe. But the best time of your life? I'm not so sure.
Truth be told, my high school years were terrible. I remember feeling overwhelmed, exasperated, and so utterly alone. I would have laughed more, had I had even a moment to take a breather first from ten AP classes, two part-time jobs, and constantly. asking. for. rides. I had so many secrets. Home seemed like a WWIII battleground. I felt as if I was carrying all of the weight of my world here in my
little heart.
As a result, I was pretty unhappy. I gather most people mistook that sadness for irritation or plain meanness. Perfectly understandable, by the way, and I send out a huge apology for anyone whom I had wronged intentionally or unintentionally.
Here's the thing, though: it was only after leaving high school that I got to see it for what it was, and what it was not. It was a place that broke me- to pieces, it felt- sometimes, but it was not a place of utter devastation that I thought it was. Because when I got to college, I found that I was a lot stronger, and a lot smarter/funnier/more giggly than I thought. I also found what I liked, and didn't like. I discovered the joy of baking. I reconciled with my family. I learned how to wear liquid eyeliner. I learned that I have no tolerance nor respect nor time for those who can't bear to see me successful and happy.
What's more surprising is how some people from my high school changed, as well. A shy, reserved (but totally sweet) runner turned into this vibrant social butterfly. Some really bright folks who had to watch how much their intelligence unnerved some dummies are now living it up in the big city. Some outgoing, confident individuals turned out to be most insecure and pernicious. A few got engaged or married. I even think I heard a jail story somewhere.
It is shocking how I am now connecting with the people I thought I'd never talk to again. And how it took me a year after leaving high school to know and appreciate the most lovely teacher. How, with enough time, some things always stay the same and some things must change.
I know this is probably the lengthiest intro yet in this blog, but I just wanted to share my little examples of life's surprises. So that you wait it out if high school, college, grad school, or even post-grad life is bearing down on you...or if you feel betrayed by everyone you know...or if you feel there's nothing good or deserving in you.
Wait it out. Surprise yourself. Own your life.